When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
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Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk