To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
And now we wait
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!