the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
three things we don’t talk about
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact