inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving