No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
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I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.