No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Best spot.. 😅
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth