Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust