Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.