Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Merica.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet