I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
You Might Also Like
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I put the hot in psychotic.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
bro what is going on at twitter
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.