[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
You Might Also Like
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.