My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early