Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
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[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
sliding into dms like
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!