blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I just tested negative for patience.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
WHY would you be happy about this?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock