[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles