Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
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i really liked this one
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Based Erika
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
haha same