[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs