We’ve come full circle
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“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.