I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture