*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”