I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
me doing my best
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….