anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Close call…
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?