My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
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Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.