Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.