Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Who knew!
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
How to woo a woman
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
why am I working on Labor Day
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend