The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.