I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
KFC hitting the cannibal market
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.