3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON