[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?