Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
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If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*