Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone