People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
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Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
i love meeting boys on tinder
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses