That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Same pineapple, same
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time