me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I feel this so hard
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.