18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.