I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.