Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
What flavor cupcake are these
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror