[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
*pronounces patio like ratio
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing