Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
pizza
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
i made a craigslist ad !
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief