Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You Might Also Like
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”