Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
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dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”