Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.