Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely