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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
so weird how every mom was born today