I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
You Might Also Like
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands