It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
new record!
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast