[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
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[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Ugh but profoundly
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes