the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
You Might Also Like
A little too much information.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
New Tinder profile.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile