Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
How dramatic are you?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”