I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this